THE FUTURE IS NOW!!!

Vinny is fired! I mean, Vinny resigns! Vinny is a participant in an orchestrated firing (aka resignation) so he can save face. Allen returns! Hail, return of the Allen family! Break out the Bandwagon! (Tony, where are ya’ when we need ya’?).

If this wasn’t such an obvious nostalgia move (Joe Gibbs being the first), it might be laudable. I actually believe that Bruce Allen was rehired to confirm Danny Boy’s obvious and undeniable modus operandi: THE FUTURE IS NOW! How else does one explain paying outrageous signing bonuses and salaries to players that everyone else knows are over the hill? Deion Sanders? Dana Stubblefield? Bruce Smith? Adam Archuleta? Time to resurrect the OVER THE HILL GANG! If Joe Gibbs can’t bring back those glory years, then maybe George Allen’s family can.

Maybe I won’t give up my season tickets after all. Let me tell you what I had to go through to get those tickets. I got on the waiting list when Vince Lombardi became coach. Yep, it was like 1968. My number on the list was like 522. I figured, short wait. Each year, I would dutifully check where I was on the list, sending a nice letter to the Redskins ticket office, getting an official preprinted postcard back where someone had hand-written my position on the list. In 1969, I was 517. In 1970, I was 509. I started to wonder. In 1972, I had trickled down to 496. George Allen arrived, and things slowed down even more. In 1974, I was 491. This was silly. By the time my number came up, I figured I’d be 145 years old. I stopped checking. But I did advise the Redskins of every change of address, just in case.

Fast forward to 1992. Right after the Skins’ last Super Bowl victory in January of that year, after Gibbs retires (for the first time), I was out of town for a big chunk of August and September – in Pensacola, FL to adopt my youngest daughter. When I got back to DC around September 20th, there’s the proverbial stack o’ mail waiting, and buried in the middle is a letter from the Redskins, dated September 1st, telling me I had reached the top of the list, and that I could pick up my tickets at the Redskins Ticket Office at RFK. And there was a p.s. - if I didn’t pick them up by September 21st, they would be given to the next person on the list!

OMG!

You coulda scraped me off the ceiling. After waiting 24 years, I got up at 4 am the next day, unable to sleep really, and beat it down to the ticket office to pick up those babies! I suddenly had bragging rights – season tickets to the Washington Redskins! Heaven! I didn’t even mind that the two seats were in the corner of the end zone, lower level, because I was sitting right next to the Redskins Marching Band (they sat there when they weren’t marching, which was most of the time). These guys grooved, and made up for the fact that the Redskins under Richie Pettibon’s first season coaching, sucked. I didn’t mind! I had my seats, RFK rocked, and the band played on.

Mid-1990s was the beginning of the end, when Jack Kent Cooke decided to build a new stadium out in Godforsakenville. And, worst of all, it wasn’t even a modern stadium, just a replica of Giants’ Stadium, no imagination, no amenities, lousy food, impossible to get to, and perhaps worst of all, the stands did not rock when the fans jumped up and down like in RFK (and there was very little jumping in the 90s).

This is really a long story, but let me cut it a bit short. The Redskins went to the playoffs in 1999 against the Bucs, and I traveled down to Tampa with my son and daughter to see the Skins lose to the Bucs, in one damn hostile stadium (but a nice design). I almost went to Seattle a few years later to see the Redskins lose to the Seahawks, but didn’t like rainy, cold weather. It’s been nothing else. No playoffs, no Super Bowl, etc. I spent the Redskins’ glory years on the waiting list – was I a curse? Was it my fault? Sorry, Danny, I’m really sorry.

But, to honor the team, and give them some luck, I stopped going to most of the games a few years back. I must admit that a big part of this was the all-day excursion that was required to get to and from Godforsakenville. Part of this was because a large part of the crowd became drunk and unruly by the 4th quarter. Part of this was because it’s not that much fun sitting in the hot sun, or freezing cold, when I could be on my couch at home in front of my 50” plasma TV. Part of this is because there have been so few games worth looking at. So I’ve taken in recent years to reselling my tickets, week by week, first through the Post (3 lines, 3 days, $25), and then, thank god, through craigslist (free!). Selling tickets through craigslist was time-consuming, and chancy. Meeting strangers in front of Starbucks and exchanging an envelope with tickets for cash felt like a drug transaction (not that I’ve ever had one of those!). It was basically a pain in the ass, and for the last few years, a losing proposition as my $100 tickets had to be dumped in some instances for $50-$75. I would have given them up this year had I not been able to sell the entire package to a broker in one swell foop. But next year I will become part of the tidal wave of disgusted fans who want to send Danny Boy a message. Just think, if 80,000 people did not renew their season tickets, and half of those on the waiting list opted out, then the stadium in Godforsakenville would be over half empty on game day. What a wonderful message to send Danny Boy. Hits him in a place he’ll understand – his wallet. Karma.

That was quite a season ticket saga. Very impressive story, I must say.

Back to the beginning, what does hiring the son of George Allen mean? [check all that apply]:

1. We are going to the Super Bowl.

2. We are going to the playoffs.

3. We are going nowhere.

4. We are going nuts.

5. Snyder hasn’t ruined the Redskins.

6. All our problems are solved.

7. Our offensive line is solid.

8. The investment in Haynesworth is paying off.

9. Jason Campbell is the franchise QB we’ve been looking for.

10. Carlos Rogers will stop dropping balls.

11. Danny Boy will stop suing disabled season ticket holders.

12. Danny Boy will allow fans to bring inoffensive (to him) signs to the games, and he will
announce this new policy on 10 am the day of a game to make sure everyone is already headed out to Godforsakenville, too late to make or bring a sign.

13. In a stunning, halftime operation, Danny Boy will return Jim Zorn’s genitals to their proper location and allow the man to call the plays (which Zorn’s doing anyway). This operation will be featured on an upcoming episode of Grey’s Anatomy.

14. Danny Boy will actually give Bruce Allen authority to order his lunch. This GM will therefore have more power than Vinny, who could not be trusted to order Danny’s coffee.

15. Danny Boy will make “THE FUTURE IS NOW” the official slogan of the Redskins.

16. Danny Boy has seen the error of his ways and is submitting a full confession, along with his notice of resignation. This will be the subject of an upcoming episode of Law and Order – Special Victims Unit.

17. Danny Boy will return Tom Cruise’s underwear to him, slightly soiled.

18. Danny Boy will wake up one day, slap his forehead, and say: “Shit. So money doesn’t really make you happy, does it?”

19. Danny Boy will make a guest appearance on House to get House to diagnose what’s wrong with the team. For the first time on the series, House can’t figure it out, but he’ll be hired by Snyder (with a $100 million signing bonus) to be the Redskins’ Director of Diagnosis.

20. Hunter Smith, former punter, will be named the Redskins’ “quarterback of the future”. The front office, excited about Hunter’s 153.6 rating in the Denver game, signed him to a 6 year, $110 million, no cut contract, and has brought Babe Laufenberg out of retirement to be Hunter’s quarterback coach.

21. Riggo was wrong – Danny Boy does have a heart of gold.

22. Charlie Brotman was wrong – Danny Boy doesn’t need to talk to the fans.

23. Mike Wise is wrong – Snyder has made all the right moves.

24. Tracee Hamilton is wrong – Danny Boy is a savvy owner.

25. Mike Wilbon is wrong – The Danny knows how to hire good people and then get out of the way.

26. We are all wrong – throwing big bucks to free agents is the only way to build a good team.

27. Dan Shapiro is wrong – the Redskins are the darlings of the NFL.

28. I’m wrong – Danny Boy is loved, revered, praised, and exalted.

27. The entire fucking world is wrong – MONEY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH!!!

All because Danny hired the Son of Allen.

I never knew that hiring someone was like taking a Zoloft, or Valium.

Drugs to the Redskins, drug victory, Braves on the drugpath, zone out for old DC.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……………………..

If it were this easy, we could hire an Allen every day. Bruce’s brother George, for example, is the racist former Republican Senator from Virginia, who I understand is available to supplant Zorn as head coach, and would fit in nicely to the plan to make the future NOW.

What a twist that would be – having two Allens to screw around with the team.

A true Allen wrench.

Arrrggggggggggggggggggg………………